I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
