just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
