Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
