at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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