We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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