My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
