I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
