I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
