I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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