My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
