Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
