I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize