I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
