I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
