Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
