Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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