dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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