My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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