Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
