you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
