I hate your face
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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