Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
