I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I look better un-naked...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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