halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
50% drunk capacity currently
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
