On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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