Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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