She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My life is pants optional.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
