It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
