god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
