Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You need Xanax blowdarts
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
