If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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