just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize