he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
