so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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