some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
