I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
