I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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