Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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