I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
