her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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