omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
