My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Randomize