My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I love you. Go after that dick
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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