I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
