ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
