i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
