yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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