my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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