Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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