Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
