So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
