I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
