Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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