bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
