i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
40s are totally the cure
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
