Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
