Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
