I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
