i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
