I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
