dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
