i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
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