i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Naked. naked and bneed help.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
