you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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