Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
