I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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