I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
